[Lonnie]

We have a late submission by our very own resident Caustic Optimist! His takes are... unique, to say the least, and with the Caustic Optimist the least said the better!

Trust me folks, next week's responder will be more in line with what you are used to seeing!

Lonnie

Given that much could be dependent upon his performance, what do you think about Casey Kotchman?

I harken back to the days of my heroes bearing similar names. My hero Casey Jones built a danged railroad, died, and had a buddy sing about it. That's pretty awesome. My other hero, Casey Kasem was a legend in the music industry, his line being "Keep your feet on the ground, and keep reaching for the stars." I hate them both for being dreamers. Kotchman will be a great fielder, and surprise to everyone in the locker room with his fun nude dance moves.

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The Hernandez and Lee duo brings to mind the old argument of Ginger or Maryanne. Which do you prefer?

Could they both sleep together? And I mean Cliff and Hernandez. Holy crap-- I want that baby. I mean, imagine a ball shooting out of a xxxxxx like a cannon, right? Wow.

Wait - you were talking about chicks? TOTALLY Drew Berrymore. Or Jeff Sullivan.

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What do you think about Chone Figgins and is he going to be as prolific of a base stealer as he was in the past?

This is a little known fact I picked up from one of my sources. Chone was the victim of a horrible accident this winter. However after losing his right testicle, the momentum in the left has added unbelievable speed when rounding the bases. Give it up for gravity, bitches. Also, Branyan's biggest problem was that his left nut wasn't heavy enough. Too bad, he was a really good-smelling person.

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Milton Bradley put up OPS+ numbers of 168 and 169 during the 2007 and 2008 seasons, and then fell to earth with an OPS+ of 99 last year. Why do you think this is so?

It's obvious that he has built his career around Bette Midler. Really? I thought these were going to be challenging questions. Think about it. You put out an effort "For All the Guys," then you relax and wait for interviews every year after, with a bunch of *** fans who love you no matter what you do. My god, my life seems like it sucks. Have I mentioned the fricking Seahawks? No? Well, Screw Matt Hasselbeck. Back to Bradley. I'm not going to mention the obvious, but he's a fun name on family night (unless your last name is Piniella). And Matt Hasselbeck can go to fricking hell.

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Do you think the fluctuating dollar will adversely affect the Mariners ability to sign international players?

Let me tell you something about the damned Seahawks. Why?? Why do you not go for a guy like Cowher???? Why hire a damned college coach before hiring a GM?? Oh my god I want to die. And the dollar sucks. I know this because I have two of them, and they can't get along. They both look alike, yet they act like one is R Kelly, and the other is an adult (or Tiger and a date check he couldn't cash). Damn - What was the question?

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Seriously, how much effect does BAbip have on a players OPS+, and can WPA really give an analyst a clear picture of a players "Clutchiness"?

Let's take a step back for a second: When you sit at Dennys and order a "Moons Over My-Hammy," you look like a dick while trying to chat about Quantum Cosmology and M-Theory. Baseball and math do not mesh. WHA??? Yep. My favorite player Ty Cobb would tell you, "numbers ain't mean anything." While I agree our universe likely started with a singularity, I'm simply not butthole enough to put a bunch of letters and numbers together behind my thoughts. It's just weird and fruity.

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I've read that Ryan Rowland-Smith likes wine. Which do you prefer, genuine cork or twist off tops on bottles of wine?

I just walked in on my wife drinking out of a gallon bottle of Rossi with a straw the other night. Did I mention we're in therapy? I prefer the big boxes of Franzia. They keep for weeks, and they're just like I like my women (like cheese -- old and stinky). Come to think of it, that's why I like Griffey, too. And to hell with my wife.

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Should a player indulge in a high-carbohydrate meal prior to a game?

Sure. At my place. Here's the deal - no joke -- I ran a four minute 30 second mile in high school. It was awesome. Each night before our races, we would have a pizza feast at some track member's house, then watch Star Trek. I'm not sure if it was the starch or xxxxxxx of our television viewing, but I'd love to tell any major league baseball player not to eat two Hot Pockets and three slices of pizza before a game. And watch 24 or something - good God, anything but Star Trek. And that carb crap is going to make you hurl. Seriously. Like that movie chick who was possessed and puked on the priest, or whatever. By the way. I now have a fake hip -- let this be a lesson to the younger readers of MC - DO NOT TRY TO STRIVE AT SPORTS.

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Should Felix learn to throw a knuckler to be considered a more complete pitcher?

Felix should be quarterback for the Seahawks. Did I mention what recently happened there? Holy crap. You HAVE to call me. I hate myself and want to die. I also want to own a Russian woman, but that's both weird and not appropriate for this conversation, I think. Oh my god I hate the Seahawks. Right. Felix. Sure, let's trade him -- is that what you were asking? DUDE -- RYAN HOWARD AND PRINCE FIELDER what? The sky is raining blood. My bad.

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Should Wakamatsu argue with the umpires more, or should he just come out of the dugout and clock the third-base ump for some street cred?

Did you see the fricking game where Hasselbeck totally tried to run, scramble, then just tossed the fricking ball to the opposing team??? OH. MY. GOD. Not only was I embarrassed, but I finally thought to myself, "THANK GOD THE MARINERS SEASON STARTS SOON." What in the hell has happened to me?


The Mariners are going to be GOOD this season, mark my words, folks. I don't need numbers to tell you this.

[htownm]

I think I peed a little

[kevin_ess]

Yeah, I knew that was going to go over well!

[garbonzo]

A very refreshing approach.

And I think dead on with a majority of the answers..

[Huindekmi]

I wish I were that coherent when I'm sober.

[Jokestar]

I think it was the Franzia talking.

[grampa_ess]

Uh....Whats a Caustic Optimist?

[Taro]

Whoa.

[kevin_ess]

Crap. I got about as big a response as Carrot Top MC'ing the Soul Train Awards.

[KingCorran]

You did better than I'd have done. I'm sure my 'Fantasy Baseball 10 questions' would have been a *riot*!